First thing’s first: I ramble. A lot. I apologise if a lot of my posts go off into tangents or trains of thought, but not too much. The reason for this is because this blog is intended as a place for me to unload my thoughts, to work myself out as a person and, hopefully, become a better one for it.
Names and places will be changed, but not too much - only to protect my own and other peoples anonymity. The following is simply an introduction to myself - if anything feels unexplained, I am sure later posts will continue those individual stories.
I am a 25 year old, straight, cis, white male living in London, having been raised in a typical, middle-class, nuclear family with undivorced parents and a sister a couple of years younger. I went to school, having got average but decent marks throughout, and then onto university.
On the surface, I have nothing to complain about and am absolutely aware how privileged I am (beyond the ‘technical’ meaning, I have had a very easy life with very forgiving parents). However, for one reason or another, I cannot seem to find contentment within myself. While I know I can maintain a normal enough life - have fun with friends and family, enjoy books and films, etc - I know I must have a few undiagnosed issues and problems lurking under the surface, that, rather than flare up horrifically, simply chug, chug away.
The most major of which - at least, the one that affects me every day - is my absolute lack of motivation. Some people I know claim it is laziness and maybe that’s all there is to it. Since flunking out of said university experience at the end of my second year, I have remained effectively unemployed, managing to find the barest of not-even-temp work here and there. However, I genuinely (i.e. I am not simply trying to justify my laziness) feel that a lack of confidence has a lot to do with it…
When I was a young child, I had it in abundance. I was the singer and dancer of the family, forever putting on little ‘shows’ for anyone that would watch. I had no problem with being the centre of attention at a school play. Somewhere along the line - towards the end of primary school - I lost this nature in a big way. Throughout secondary school I was bullied, pretty much until sixth form, by more than one group of fellow students. Why this was, I do not know; I was a fat kid, but there were other even bigger kids who didn’t have this problem. Maybe it was because of how I handled it: Instead of hiding away, I’d provoke the bullies even more.
(Side note: During reading The Psychopath Test, this, along with other traits, convinced me that I was one myself, until I read the part that said no real psycho would ever have the humility to realise their own state.)
Another problem, probably related, is that I have become an incredibly anxious and nervous person as an adult. I put off sorting out little problems until they become big ones, even though I can see the future downwards spiral clear as day in front of me. Not because I do not logically know how to sort them, but because I feel scared of putting myself out there in order to do so.
I also have a few sexual history issues (“Duh!” - Freud’s Ghost), including some abuse, that probably underline a lot of things. I may or may not get into these things at a later date - there is plenty more to be getting on with, anyway.
Speaking of which; my relationship history. I would say I have had three proper relationships and one fling. The first was at a relatively normal late 17 year old, which ended about a year later, during which I lost my virginity. The second didn’t happen until after university and we didn’t have sex due to her Christianity - though this was an even shorter relationship anyway. The third was long-distance and lasted longer than it should have, though was happy enough until the very end and opened my eyes to a lot of things feminism/etc-wise and for this I am massively grateful. The fling came soon after the third relationship broke off and was a much-needed way to let off steam.
I have attempted to seek therapy on two occasions in the past; the first didn’t go past the GP interview and the second managed to get to the first therapist interview stage before I, again, backed out.
Ultimately, I am aware I have wasted a lot of my life, annoyed and hurt a lot of people and have a lot of amends to make and things to get back on track. This blog will hopefully allow me to vent, work things out and share things a little more than I have been before.